____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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