I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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