I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize