Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The best revenge is premature balding
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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