Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
