Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
