Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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