I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
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