Im at strip club and am horny
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
