i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Someone came in the potted fern
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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