Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
