You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
