i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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