You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
