My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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