Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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