i jhust puked up my retainher.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
