I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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