My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
