I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
