I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
