if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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