Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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