How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
