Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
