allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
