4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
