Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup