I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before