It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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