Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?