Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(503): View more from Oregon

still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(817): View more from Texas

she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before

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