You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!