i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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