Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
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drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
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I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
only i would get off to receiving death threats online