does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I deserve this hangover.
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