I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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