he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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