You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm eating all of the evidence.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
