when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Green mimosas i think yes
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
