when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
