he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize