If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
