He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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