Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
