I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
