I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party