Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
