sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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