party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
