I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
