evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
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he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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