she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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