I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
