He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
