I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
