Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
