I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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