I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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