Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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