I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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