How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
